A mth l8

taiwan was a blast. I'm gonna miss my section mates as well as life as a trainee. more monkeys are gonna be crawling all over my back. *sigh it comes with the job.

Coral Island 2315.

Taiwan rockstaaasss!!!
me, khai, sgt deadly, buddy dearest, souljah, manjan singh, black lion, sotong, & pauly didadi.

trashing the hotel room, stocking up on beer & liquor, drinking & stuffing ourselves with junk food all day all night watching some lame striptease channel with cheesy Chinese music in the background...

I remember the night I fell asleep in my shades & jegan & hamant kicked me & heikal out of our own room cos they scored some hookers..
What stories we heardin the morning.
they couldn't take it anymore.
3 weeks in Taiwan with guys?
I know how they feel... hehe.. that night was hilarious.

Still, it looks like I was the strongest drinker among all of em, with the exception of mathen whom I think can take me on anytime.
I'll be looking forward to that.
So now I'm entering a new phase.
I'm a 3 striped fly now.
I got maggots to fry.

hehe.

I watched Harry Potter with the guys along with George & Edith. It was ok.
Emma Watson is cute.
I'm drooling all over the keyboard right now.
Otherwise today wasn't so bad.
I'm glad I've got a few days off so I can recuperate from the vigorous of the past few weeks.
I've been staying up late but getting more than 8 hrs of sleep.
I''v got that McDonald's(TM) feeling!

china blckd

Everything seems to be a countdown to something else, significant, relevant, inconsequential, intersected, interdimensional nonchalantly flying about the depths of rational understanding; an unkown destination of which the end becomes unimportant, unless of course the means by which the end is achieved serves a greater purpose, intangible, therefore null & void, free from the inferiority of human judgment.

what I mean to say, pretentious intelligent intellectual banter aside,
I'm leavin' on a jet plane, Friday.

Destination- Taiwan
purpose- conscripted soldier boy shit G4 classified.
Duration of stay- 3 weeks
Aim- to climb mountains, bash through thick jungle, dig shit holes, to not bathe for 2 weeks; regurgigate anything & everything I've learnt this few months of training & hope I don't screw up, & still manage to have a good, memorable enjoyable hell of a time.

g' bye folks.

This may be my 2nd last entry before I go on a 3 week hiatus, of which I may be dead & gone, victim of some freak accident, thus ending my so called journey to depart on another, greater than the last.
Or I might just come back in one piece, everythings fine & dandy, more borrowed to time to waste, & go on ranting & raving about the state of the world & life & death & the fear of the eternal sadness that is to follow if we don't discover the path to the Great Happy.

see yah when I see yah!

musse

today was one of the rare occasions I got to really be with my family & spend some time with them, which awakened something inside, something that's been hiding away for the past few weeks, since things haven't been the way they should be but everything's fine for now, which I'm really thankful for;
one less headache.

I'm still bummed I didn't pass my SOC but it's behind me now.
Haizel was right.
Thanks a lot bro!

I've changed.
I've become more distant to everybody, less "there";
I guess it's just a front to hide, to take refuge from my insecurities, issues I thought were long gone or non-existent but somehow was there along dragging me down like a cancer striking when i least expect it.
I just don't wanna face the truth sometimes.

I listened to music for the first time in a week.
Music that I like anyway, stuff I hear around me, stuff I don't like, don't count.
it felt good.

I turn 23 on Saturday & I won't be celebrating it with anyone in particular.
(i'm that old already?)
I'm stuck in camp for some more training, jeez, when will itr end?.
That's not a complaint or anything, it's a fact that's all.
I can tell how my family misses me & how I miss not being around & it shows.
At times, it's good not to be around but I'd rather be somewhere else than in camp or at home if I wanna really get away from it all.
It just isn't possible.

I need to get me another book.
I just don't know what I wanna read at the moment.
I'm planning to get me QOTSA's previous album the one with Dave Grohl on drums.
I just love listening to them at the moment.

weekstart

weekends are becoming the only time I can do anything about everything which leaves me no time at all.

half ran half walked 12 km this morning.
had to.
Part of training.

mental soundtrack of the week:
you know you're right by nirvana

got me QOTSA's( queens of the stone age) Lullabies to Paralyze limited edition CD...
Haven't even played it yet...

that's how little time I have to do what I really want to & need to so I can stay sane long enough to get through the coming endeavors, of which are mentally & physically draining.

I got a pocket book as well it's a collection of illustrated dark stories by Tim Burton (big fish,Batman, Batman returns, Edward scissorhands, nightmare before Christmas etc...) which are kinda cool & twisted...
something to tuck me in before i go to bed at night :)

it's been a hell of a week.

It's tiring enough when I don't put in all my effort in training, what more when I go all out?

happy birthday to September babies...
fad, my dad, richelle & lots more out there, you know who you are!

peace out!

lament

Played pool with my Delta section mates...
I'm missing 'em badly.
I know it's only been a week or so but that's how it is.
Not that my new section mates are bad or anything it's just it all happened so fast & ended so abruptly, I'm still in shock that I'm in Fox(uck)trot & that everything is so fucking regimented & there's so many unnecessary things we could do better off without & we'd all be happy but noooo, they insist it should be this way & that;
all I can say is ok, screw it all, let's do this.
I know I'll come out of this physically unscathed except for the occasional spasm of anger followed by a verbal assault of profanities every now & then...

Damn the whole thing.

by the way, queens of the stone age rocks!!!
I'm gonna get their albums soon, gonna get me an mp3 player first...
It's a refreshing sound from the usual shit that's buzzin' around the airwaves days.
There just aren't many good new bands out there these days, so it's really refreshing to hear a new sound, & QOTSA kicks alotta ass.

tonight marks the beginning of my tour in Foxtrot.
A full week of hmmm, the same old same old with a touch of new here & there, still, aww fuck it.

ambot dagay

Was up the whole night downloading music, totally immersed in indie...

Yeah, sounds kinda lame, losing sleep over such things like downloading music & finding out about bands that have probably broken up their members are probably working some blue collar job, wondering what the hell went wrong, but hey who cares? they're having an impact on me; that's gotta count somehow, right?

went researching about the the Sub Pop bands & the grunge scene & stuff...
thank God for the internet;
I wish I'd heard these bands sooner!
Tad, Mudhoney, Melvins, Superchunk(not sub pop but a cool band nonetheless), to name a few....
people ask me what music I'm into & I cant give them a straight answer...
it really depends on what mood I'm in & the atmosphere & the weather & so many other things...
I mean, I'll be listening to some backstreet boys song( yeah, backstreet boys! Believe it! haha) & all of a sudden I put on Soulfly or 311 or incubus or Mudvayne or Enchi or Greyhoundz & then I'll switch to Tupac & then some Bob Marley after;
& if I wanna chill I'll put on my woman on top CD & grab a beer or a coke & stare at the ceiling, reminiscing, digging up old memories or just fantasizing about dirty little things & trying to keep a straight face at the same time, in case somebody should walk in on me & then there'd be some good stories to tell tomorrow.
I dunno...

Jared & I are fixing up this little number I came up with.
hope it comes out ok so we can jam it out some time ...

I go back to camp today, sleep deprived, somewhat still in shock that I'm in Foxtrot Coy;
it's like a bad dream & I'm not that certain I've woken up.
somebody slap me, please.

anyways, sound trip these past 2 days have been intensely enlightening to my soul & troubled self-tortured little mind.
The little bastard-monster-son-of-a-gun-demon-shit-hound inside of me is taking a nap.
He needs the rest.
I've been feeling him stirring up my insides, leaving me immensely pissed of at everyone & everything for na apparent reason & it doesn't feel healthy.
Well, back to my soundtrip.

Still have to pack, & I'm cooking dinner today since nobody else is around to help.

baggage

i got that feeling again, took it home with me & its making itself comfortable, sneering its ugly smile at me, watching me suffer, enjoying every ounce of pain inflicted on me.
can't do much now, i turn on the cd player, surf the net, check out some sick shit online & think to myself, hmm, looks like i'm not that fucked up after all;
still, the sick, sinking feeling lingers, like the smell of rotten meat, the stench sticks to your skin, an invisble layer of gore, difficult to get rid of.

wahwahwah

dad bought me a 2nd hand acoustic guitar w/ pickup, & it's like i've forgotten how to play. Not that i'm good but i've forgotten how to play the songs i usually play when i have the time...
plus jared got a 2nd hand electric guitar w/ amp & accessories, so we can jam at home, & brush up on some songs so we wont be so bored & we can finally jam outside so we dont look like try-hards when we can't play a single song together.

I'm booking-in uniform today.

Shit.

it's so much hassle, seriously.

halbhlab halb

snippets of a life that once was, non existent, a memory of a time long gone, a phantom shdaow, on cameo.

these things will remain, embedded somewhere deep in the crevices of my mind.

...........

by the way, my blog's a year old.
would u believe it?
a year's worth of shit.
Let's see if i can survive another one.

Anonymous

I wake up to the sound of the dogs barking.
I'm lying on a bamboo couch, on the porch of my aunts ( who happens to be out, but if she was around she'd kill me for sure!) house.
I wipe my mouth of my own vomit, already crusting on the corner of my lips & on my shirt.
The acrid smell of half digested chips & liquor lingers in the air.
My body reeks.

What a mess.
Bits & pieces of last nights' food display themselves in a drying puddle on the floor, souvenirs from last night's escapade.
I pick myself up, my breath laced with alcohol, 'breathe me in if u wana get high'...
My liver's on overtime.
Gotta go get cleaned up & grab a bite.
Today's another day & I'm thirsty.

I love Fridays.

heavier than heaven

was LPS for a few days.

it was fun, though i suck at giving commands...

i've found some purpose in my meagre existence, albeit on a short term basis.
I bought a few cd's: Rage Against The Machine's last concert, The Cure's Greatest Hits, Ill Nino's Revolution/Revolucion & a biography on Kurt Cobain.
For ten bucks, it was a steal, despite listening to Nirvana since I was 13, i knew nothing at all about cobain's life & what really made him blow his head off at the peak of an already successful career...

i'm thinking, i understand why he did what he did, i've been through similar shit but not to the point of going all suicidal despite having morbid thoughts every now & then.

jackshit

got my phone back, finally.
a lot can happen in a month.
I've lost contact with many of my friends & I've got to rekindle what's left of the flame before it burns out completely.
the past few days in camp were predictable.

Not that there wasn't a moment of fun, but things have been dark & dreary lately.
Emo to the core man...
I was a wreck.
Still am.
Can't explain why, but I'll try.

Life's been nothing but one disappointment after another.
My frustrations have been snowballing since I can't remember when...
I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore, you know, fuck it, I'll get through this sorry predicament, somehow.
I've turned my back on a lot of things, many of which were once dear to me, now, just a blurry image, some fleeting memory, fading away into some dark corner in my head; probably to stay there for awhile.

Yeah, it's all about me for now.
Selfish bastard.
I know.
I cannot stand it.
It's a fucking double edged sword.

I wanna move on into this bigger realm, but I'm tethered, bound, whatever you wanna call it, by the hand that feeds.
I'm choking on the very air that i breathe.
It sounds vague...
Every time I have it in my grasp, it slips away.
life... It's a motherfucker.
It's a wonder why people aren't going suicidal on a massive level.
what with all the pressures of the "real world" eating away at what life we have left.
I can't yet, I just signed up for insurance & I don't think I'll get a lot if I do right now...
maybe later huh?
At least I'll make the papers.
morbid jokes aside, I really really don't know...
It just hasn't been happening for me lately.
Maybe it's the abrupt change...
I know I'm unhappy, I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm a lot of things.

Dammit, it's pathetic ain't it?
Watching me bleed my brains out.
shallow maybe, but fuck it.
This is how i'm feeling right now.
I've been saying 'I' for quite a bit.
Anybody noticed?
It always boils down to this,
it always has.
What can I do about it?
Nothing.

I'm fighting a losing battle here.
I haven't even gotten to my point.
What is it?
I hate what I'm going through right now.
I hate army life.
I'm no square.
Don't wanna be one, never will.
I hate not being back at school.
Not that I wanna study & get all A's & shit...
I couldn't care less.

I just despise what's become of my life.
I hate feeling like this, moping & sulking like a little boy who wants his mom to get him that really cool toy that every kid at school has & she doesn't, & is making a ruckus & everyone's staring wide eyed at this thing, face full of tears, snotty, the shit running down his nose, whining, screaming his head off like his life depended on it ...
I hate my life being confined to a weekend out in the world & then its back to 6 days of shit.
Melancholy & the infinite sadness indeed.
Soundtrack of my life right now.
for 2 years at the most, unless things get better somehow.

Mushrooms & vodka please.
That's all I need.
Really...

that's what we all want in the end isn't it?
Some form of escape.
I mean, if the world has only so much to offer, why the fuck not?
*sigh

dingdong

sleepy, tired...
my aching body, beat up from bashing aimlessly in the jungle for 2 days.
The fact that i reached home at 7 this morning, lethargic & sleep deprived, it's a wonder i'm still here.
Next week promises more or less the same.
My life is no different from the next guy.
It's just the things we do & exprience that are.
In the end, we are one & the same.

I finally have my phone back.
My link to the outside world has been reconnected.
Hooray.
Hanged out with Jamal & some of his friends last night.
Before that I watched Fantastic 4.
Not as Fantastic as it's supposed to be.
Everyone looks cool except for Reed Richards & Dr. Doom...
Not that i expcted anything spectatcualr, but as a while, the movie was ok...
Hmm, did someboday say sequel?
It looks imminent folks.
Jessica Alba, see you in part 2... i love u... hahaha!!!

Slept the whole morning away.
Met Jamal after the movie.
We bumped into Sheikh as well.
He was meeting his friends too.
Had some vodka & a good talk cock session.
I miss my friend's in Viper.
Jamal does too.

After that had some prata in Clementi & that was my weekend.
Next week i'm staying in...
I hope.

The cash cow's come calling & i hope i dont milk it dry too soon this time...
I miss my friends,
i miss my life back in SU & everyday brings me closer.

eternal sigh

I think the Z-monster's getting to me.
It's either lectures or some outfield shit, which i'm not particularly good at.
I haven't felt so down since BMT...

We booked out a day earlier than the other companies but it doesn't make much difference;
I'm still going back on Sunday.

Played soccer with my bros & my Delta section mates this morning.
It was good fun, though it could've been better.

Fucking SOC...
We had 2 sessions in 2 days,
& I thought I'd left all that in BMT.

I feel dumber than i usually am.
Is this some side effect, a result of the past 3 months,
or some undiscovered fluke in the evolutionary process inherent only in certain lifeforms, an anomaly in the great one's design?
i don't know, i just feel different. different than usual.

by the way, Incubus' new single 'make a move' is on the Stealth OST..
They wrote 3 songs specially for the album..
Hope they're good...
I know 'make a move' is.
Incubus is back to their Make Yourself sound, classic...

home...
Music therapy, baby.
No offense to my section-mates but sometimes too much pop is just too much pop.

what more to say about this existential carousel that is my life?

GMA's in the fray of another scandal.
Political soap operas, tune in to any local channel, news hour.
More things to bitch about life in the Pinas...
The Philippines;
Love it or hate, it's still home to me, in spite of everything that gives it a bad name.
the brown man walks on...

Anybody seen Trainspotting?
Fucking cool movie.
Reminds me of my friends & the shit we did.
Miss those times...

...it'll be over soon

& so begins yet another phase of my "army" life...

Meeting new people, making friends, forging bonds, rivalries, having to put up with a few assholes among a bunch of misfits, mostly 18 year old JC guys, who are a little younger & not that streetwise in a sense, not that JC guys are bad or anything, it's just that some of them haven't ripened up yet, like their eyes are just slits & they haven't seen the light of the sun in all its glory kinda thing, but everything's ok.

training's hard.
Fucking hard, but everything else is simply just too good to be true.
of course if I told u anything more I'd have to kill you so I'll leave it at that.

I was watching Discovery Channel & I just realized something.
Dragonflies are my favorite insect & penguins are cute.

I know;
You're thinking,
What the fuck?!?!

I don't know;
sometimes everything passes by so fast that you seldom have the time to just stop & take a look around at where you are & your surroundings & shit.
Maybe that's why it's called the discovery channel...
I'm not making any sense. As if anything else is new.

I book in at 1o o'clock tomorrow night.
Back to my holiday training camp for more macho, 'look ma, I'm a soldier!' shit.

The good side of it all is I'm not feeling pressured or anything 'cos we're given the initiative to accomplish whatever we have to, so basically it's really up to us.
We have the chance to excel so, we might as well right?
more shit from me next week with cherries on top & whatever...
I'm done.

Monuments & melodies...

this old man...

-old man, Rizal Blvd, Dumaguete, summer '04

I wonder, will I ever be able to do that when I reach this man's age?
What would I be like? How will I look? How does it feel?
To take a little walk, oblivious to everything else, mp3 player in my pocket- music buzzing in my ears, as I listen to Incubus' ACLOTM.
Then maybe I'll take a break, drop by a convenience store & grab a beer or two & resume my little walk.
I bump into my grandkids friends, some of them are smoking;
One of them waves at me & I wave back. I ask them where they're headed to & they say they're gonna go hangout, 'cos class just ended.
We share some parting remarks-
they offer me a cigarette, I take one
& I'm off again.
Where I'm headed I don't know.
Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child is on now, I take a deep breathe as the opening riff somehow has a hypnotic effect.
I've found a nice spot, where I can sit & enjoy the spectacle.
A street vendor walks & I get myself a packet of boiled peanuts, perfect with my beer.
I think back, & reminisce of sunsets just like this, days long gone.
Back when I was young, reckless & dumb. I think I haven't changed much. I've just gotten older.
Ill Nino's With You starts to play.
Memories come flooding back...
I close my eyes for a while, & drift off to another place.
I don't know if I will wake, this walk isn't over yet.
Many places to see. Many things to do.
Whatever comes my way, I'll take it as is.
No regrets, no complaints;
incubus' Monuments & Melodies is playing as I dream off into space;

My hands are trembling
And my eyes are on fire
This house is crumbling
Left brain, left out, on the wire
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
Though all I have today is your photograph
My past is perilous
But each scar I bear sings
Monuments to where I have been
And melodies to where I am going
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
Though all I have today is your photograph
When will I see you again?
Still-life can only go so far
I need you in front of me
Saying my name
Saying to me... "I choose the way you are
You, the way you are"
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
Though all I have today is your photograph
You make me happy...

So much for dreamin'...
i don't even know if i'll see tomorrow...
whatever it is, i'll be ready.

stranger by the day...it keeps getting

Today was fucking boring...
As if any other day wasn't.
so much for the positive intro...
I spent my time just slacking around watching vcd's & blasting my CD's in the living room, thinking about nothing & everything all at once.
Of course, being the "older brother", I did the odd chore here & there, otherwise I was a lazy ass today.
Since I got out of camp, hyperactivity has been the norm.
I can't seem to sit still, not even for a little bit.
I've just gotta be doing something or else I'll get bored & start growing roots & start to sprout branches & leaves out of my ass.

Damn training... Thanks a lot.
I'll put up some pictures of yours truly with my buddies in the bunk & stuff real soon,
but I have to wait a little.
I didn't bring a camera so I'm geting copies from my section-mate.
My blog's looking as dull as ever & I'm starting to hate blogging.
Whenever I'm online, there's just nothing to blog about. It's frustrating, staring at the monitor & then all of a sudden , *blank*...
I think I've said everything there is to be said about everything so far, redudancy's eating me up bit by bit from the inside out.

The shit has hit the fan.

News so far, hmm, aside from me being pissed off at the world & at the cruel reality i have to wake up to everyday, i'm utterly speechless, really...
except that, I don't know;
on the contrary, I'm thankful to wake up every morning in one piece;
to breathe the fucking-sterile-overcirculated-Singapore air, knowing I've been granted another day & another chance to make something out of it. So what am I trying to say? I have no idea.

Whatever it is, I know I'm not alright, but I'm ok.

Snow is falling from the sky

In the middle of July

Sun was shining in my eyes again last night

Alarm goes off without a sound

The silence is so loud

Something isn't right



Footsteps echo down the hall

No one's there at all

Dial your number but your voice says "I'm not home"

Everything is inside out

I don't know what it's about



It keeps getting stranger by the day

Stranger by the day

It keeps getting stranger by the day

Stranger by the day



Going for a walk outside

To see what I can find

No reflection in the windows I pass by

It feels hotter in the shade

Water runs up from the drain

something going on



Conversations with a mime

Stared at by the blind

Imagination must be working overtime

The world is upside down

Everything is turned around



It keeps getting stranger by the day

Stranger by the day

It keeps getting stranger by the day

Stranger by the day



By the time I reach your door

I can't take it anymore

I just happened to be in your neighborhood

I'm the one who gets surprised

I don't believe my eyes

Your alibi's no good



Whatever happened to the world

Whatever happened to the girl

I thought I knew

It just can't be true

I guess I'm losing you...



Stranger by the day

Stranger by the day

It keeps getting,

Stranger by the day

Stranger by the day

...

(stranger by the day- Shades Apart)

free for now.

Here I am again, looking back to things gone by & I'm in the zone again & in a state of disbelief & so much more I'm gonna need a thesaurus to describe whatever the hell I was going to say. I'm back at where I started. & the point is? hehe, I wish I knew...

What's next for me, uncertainty mostly, but I'm sure there's no smooth sailing, as usual. I'm hoping I can take a short visit to Dumaguete before I get my posting. Classes have just started back there so most of my friends are there. I got my fingers crossed on this one. Otherwise, I'm slacking at home 'cos the money train hasn't come yet.

Friday, I'm in love.

Went through my things & sorted out my room a little bit 'cos it's been fucked up since forever. Now it's slightly less unfucked.

I've been emotionally blacked out these past few days. Apparently in camp, you really can't utilise the Force & "use your feelings". Instead it's just listen to orders & do what is necessary to complete whatever shit task there is to be done. There's so much things I need to let out I can feel them leaking out of my ears. Cotton buds please!
This layout needs touching up... I'll come up with something new soon so I won't bore you guys to death with my preaching & whining & all that sort of shit. Even if it's mostly crap, at least it'll look good. Anyways, I'll get back on that, gotta go fix up my room.

tmmm tmm tmm tmm te tem tmmmt tmmm...

on & on & on this topic never seems to erase itself from my misshapened thick bald hardheaded, uh head. 1 more week.
1 painstakingly long week of so much shit i wouldn't know where to begin.
OC night was good.
My platoon came up with the best performance, a few songs & a comedy skit... the details i'll skip; G4 classified, hehe...

anyways i'm so looking forward to P.O.P so i can get on my knees & beg my parents to let me go to Dumaguete for a short visit, so i can unwind & hang out with my friends. I don't know if it'll come through but i'm hoping it will. if not then, shit.

all this while i've been in boot camp, there's been alot going through my head about oh so many things but when i get back home & try to spew it out onto my blog, it's kinda hard 'cos i don't really know where to start.

lately i haven't really had the time to just sit down alone & sort out my thoughts. it's like there never is any time for that, except for the few precious minutes i'm spending right now, which is a rarity on other days.

Watched Star Wars for the 2nd time last night. R2 & Yoda kick ass! in my next life i wanna be a Wookie. Chewie, ur da, uh, man!!!! Why? I don't know, but there's just something about being a wookie.
Anyways, it was a good movie, except for the sometimes trashy dialogue , otherwise, Star Wars rocks.
& that's all i gotta say about that.

....mute....

Just the four of us at home. My parents left for the Philippines on thursday. Went solo yesterday, snooping around town for cheap cd's. I got some good deals, only thing is I won't have time time to listen to 'em all 'cos i'm booking in again today. What the hell... After my little trip, I got me some dinner at Subway then i went off to watch Justin's play at The Arts House. Something told me i've been away from Singapore for awhile when i realized i didn't even know where The Padang was anymore. I found my way eventually after making a few calls. Technology; Can't live without it.

Some of the YF peeps turned up to watch as well, so i had a little company. I thought Justin & the rest were really good, especially the female lead. you have to see it for yourself to understand whatever it is i'm saying. Too bad though, last night was their last show...hehe *evil grin... I'm glad everything turned out alright for them. I'm too lazy to talk about what the play was about & all that, but it was good, i'll tell you that much.

Man, i sound so dry today. Maybe it's because my week was so freakin' long & boring, i don't know. 2 more weeks to go & i'm out of boot camp. I get the feeling i shouldn't be so happy just yet. Whatever it is, i'm still standing.
Shit, i do sound very dry. dammit..

chocolate milk, saturdays & paris hilton.

chocolate milk & saturdays never go together. That's if you have an empty stomach & down A whole freakin' litre of it in one sitting. Try going out after that; It isn't a nice experience, i can tell you that much. Anybody watched House Of Wax recently? It's a nice date movie. *evil grin...
hmm, what lessons of life can i share this week? Not much, but enough to fill up this shit entry i guess. I've learnt that nothign is what it seems & that we can't take our existence for granted. WE may think we are real, but in another reality we could be mere figments of a person's imagination. Sounds like some tripped out bullshit, but if you take think about it long enough, it kinda makes some sense.
I passed my IPPT. Hooray... SITest is over. Yahoo! one more month to go & I'll have some breathing space if not any at all.

I'm nodding off as i'm typing, & I can see Z's forming lazily like clouds on a clear sunny day. That's it i'm off. Non of this is making sense. Another week of shit & i'll be back to rant & rave & preach like some doomsday fanatic on some desperate quest to warn one & all about the how the sky is gonna fall & kill & destroy everything in its path if we don't stop what we're doing & join their freakin' group. Not that anyone cares but hey, neither do i. Time to sleep.

Have a nice weekend!!!

end for now

New look, new layout, well slightly anyway. I just moved some shit around, played with the codes & fiddled around with photo editor for a few hours... i go back to camp in a few minutes. How do i feel about that? I haven't got a clue. I wouldn't know till i'm back in camp i guess. Met up with a good friend during the weekend. I haven't seen her in a more than a year but it still feels like i met with her yesterday. Time is short when you get past the 20 mark i think. Feels so good to be back in the world after a couple of weeks of regimented activities. Watched a lame movie & made fun of the stupidity of it all. So much for our 8 bucks... A blink of an eye, it's monday. well, i'll let you in more news in a weeks time i gotta go & rest & spend whatever time i've got left. ciao.

buzz

red sunset... can't say much. sitting around, eating army issued food in an open field with a few hundred guys doesn't do much to enhance one's sentiments but nevertheless, to see the sun set in its crimson glory is a rarity... 2 weeks. 1 week out field without bathing & brushing teeth. i'm bruised & aching all over, plus the sunburn & insect bites, i feel so alive...

3 days off. i can rest my skinny ass for a bit & let my feet breathe a little. wearing boots for 3 days straight is a luxury made for people soooo unlike me. i think my right foot just died.Wait, i think its already dead. How do u resuscitate a dead foot? mouth to mouth is definitely off the list. there's so much shit swimming in my head right now & i don't know what else to write. I'm funny that way i think.
I'm missing my friends & fmaily more & more as camp prgogresses. One tends to appreciate something even more when that something is nowhere around. This walk is evergoing. So far, I'm not bummed out yet. Still a long long way to go. I dont know what else is in store but i'll be there, somehow.

sentiment

Another extensive, physically & psychologically draining 5 days has come & gone. I'm going back in again tonight. Every week gets tougher & tougher; in a way i'm enjoying it.
But some part of me doesn't want to go. On my way out of the house, a rush of nerves hits me like a brick, & i get that feeling like it's the 1st day of school & you're gripping your mom or dad's hand tightly, not wanting to let go, but you know that sooner or later you have to & you can't escape it no matter what because that's just how things work.
There's just some things in life you just can't run away from & this is one of 'em.
Wish me luck, again. I'll be back in one piece. If not, well, c'est la vie.

floodgates..5 days 2 remember

...Deep in the pits from which my darkest thoughts lie hid, a force has stirred, awoken, gnashing & thrashing wild, violent in its rage; silently it races upwards in the lightless abyss of its being, devouring everything in its path like a tempest in its fullest force.

This week was not so good. It's been a long, weary 5 days, & a lot has happened. I've been hoarding so many things in my head lately, so I'll take this opportunity to vent my suppressed emotions. I've been keeping them in a zip lock bag so they wont be soaked by anything else swimming around in my empty head. I'm just fucking pissed off that's all. Not at anyone in particular. Maybe at myself & a few distinguished people, but not in a personal way.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...
Tomorrow's another day, so the slate will be clean & the seas will calm down.

My journey goes ever on, my feet, blistered & bruised.
My skin, rough & sun-kissed.
For years I've walked this road, searching, wandering about;
In search of what, I do not yet know. have I wandered in vain?
A fool, on an aimless quest.

Pt2:

Thoughts-
This place can be lonely sometimes. I've made a few friends here & there but I still haven't met people on the same wave length. I can adapt to almost anything, anybody, anywhere, but I haven't really met anybody who I can talk to about things I'm interested in. Most of them here see only the small picture. Their scope is minute in stature, yet that doesn't make me better than them. We all will learn.

Day in day out, when I get the chance, I gaze up & stare at the sky.Anyway, every few minutes, a plane flies by. A ray of hope peaks through the clouds of despair in my head, as memories of days gone by flood my head & I long to return home & go back to how things were before. Every single time a plane passes by, I tell myself, "one of these days, that'll be me up there". Soon, the smells & sounds of home will be reality. Soon. Not yet, but some day soon. It's not wishful thinking. Every single day brings me closer. Completing this unexpected, enlightening, interesting & fucking-back-breaking phase of my life (pardon the profanity, but there's no other way to emphasize my point) isn't going to be easy; sometimes it's fun but I won't wish this on myself if I had a choice. Everything has its good & bad, & I think it's all a bunch of bullshit. Like they say, each to his own. I'm gonna stay as far away as I can from it. That's what I think anyway. No offense to those who are in there, but I think it sucks & it's not what I want. Still, I will gain something from this experience. I think I've gained a lot already. No matter what anyone else says, there's no way I'm gonna change my mind about what I think. I may be wrong, but my gut tells me I'm on the right track. leter.

return of the comeback...bald but beautiful

It's been a long 2 weeks since my last attempt at finding the answers to life & the reason of our very being. Since then i've discovered a few interesting facts to tickle one's imagination, especially one as sick as mine. I'm itching to tell my story but i think it'll have to wait a little while longer . i really can't say alot now, but in the weeks to come i think i'll have a much clearer perspective of whatever it was i wanted to spew out from the shallow depths of what once was my brain. By the way, i'll be updating every weekend, for now... most of you guys would know why, but for those who dont know, browse around, thx!

ps---> Congrats to my friends in SU who just graduated! all the best to you guys! in the words of Billy Corgan, 'the world is a vampire, set to drain...', so tread lightly!

curtain call. For now..

So, my 6 month hiatus comes to an end this friday & i'm gonna be embarking on yet another journey. Hmm... can't wait.

For lack of anything more constructive, I guess this is it... Yep, i'm signing off.
For now at least. The only thing oozing out of my head right now is earwax.
Cotton buds please!
If you want something more, other than my rapidly growing collection of bodily excretions, watch this space in a few months time.

Great thinker syndrome

We all question, but never seem to get the answers.
For every question asked, a million more seem to unearth themselves in the process. Man's become too smart for his own good, trying to decipher every little thing he comes in contact with, looking for meaning in his petty existence.
What am I saying?
All I know is, we can never know enough & that there is something out there dictating how we live our lives, guiding us like little pawns, miniscule compared to the vastness of space & beyond; a finite chessboard, a mere plaything for the gods.

We have to recognize our bit part in this world. We criticize, speak our minds about other things & avoid our own imperfections. Until we see thru our own shortcomings & see ourselves thru the eyes of others, we are blind. Blinded by the masks we hide behind. We take a look at our reflection & see what we want to see;

Anyway, I might not be blogging in a while 'cos I'm gonna be away for a bit; most of u know why, but for those of u who don't, well, don't worry.
I'll be alive still, I hope...

And they say drugs are bad!

To all alcoholics out there:

Due to increasing products liability litigation,
American liquor manufacturers have accepted the
FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels
be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave
you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to tell your friends over and over again
that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for
you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you can logically converse with members
of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers,
resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the
leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the
forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter,
faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead
you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol maycause
a disturbance in the time-space continuum,
whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause pregnancy.

And they say drugs are bad!!! hehe....

hi-A-tus

Nothin's been up much except for myself continuing to exist, sometimes meaninglessly, & without purpose like that feather in Forrest Gump, floating about nonchalantly...
The difference is, in the movie, you sort of get the meaning of it all at the end, whereas I'm still trying to figure things out & am wondering consatantly what my ending will be.
Is that a good thing?
Can't be sure.
Musn't question too much, 'cos you can never get the answers to everything;
It doesn't hurt if you try though.
Right?
Gosh...I can't believe it.
I'm back at where I started.

"...Pass the negativity to the left hand side! Pass the negativity to the left hand side! Pass the negativity to the left hand side! Gimme some more!!!"

blink blink blink

Some fuzzy feeling's been making itself known recently. I thought it was just my tummy reacting to the assortment of goodies I've been stuffing my face into during the weekend. Don't know what it is, but I'll get over it. I'm still trying to grasp the stark reality of it all but I can't. Right now, I have no idea whatever the hell it is I'm trying to say except that if you're reading this, I think I've wasted your time. Don't mind me.

C ya next post.

Maybe I'll be thinking clearer then.

dreamdreamdream

I had a dream last night, or this morning, whichever way you wanna see it. I won't share the exact details 'cos I don't want to.

It wasn't a recurring one but it kinda had a significance about, that kinda hit me. It was like when I had my 1st (& last, so far) shroom session, & we had a little too much.

That was one of the most mind-blowing experiences I've had in my entire life!

I fondly refer to it as the 'Mindfuck', a term I've often used if you're a frequent reader of my stuff. All I can say about that experience was that I learned many things about myself & it was like the answers to all creation, time & space & life itself were in my hands. I find it, even to this day the most enlightening experience I've ever had.

A kind of spiritual connection almost; it was scary at some point but in hindsight, that was the 1st time I'd felt I'd known myself more than I have in my entire existence!

Anyways, what I can say is, I saw things I really wanted to happen & people who I really wanna be with but can't because of some circumstances.

Have you ever woken from a dream & you had this really strange feeling, like, something that was lingering, subtle, in your thoughts, avoiding all radars till it kinda personified itself in your sleep? There's really no way I can explain it, but I know what I dreamt meant something.

Sometimes I feel that our subconscious tries to tell us something, sometimes sending us signals so faint, the truths in them so apparent that we wonder why we take them for granted. What am I getting at? I don't know, really, it's just that what I've been feeling for some time kinda magnified itself thru my dream. Weird huh?

I'm a deeply imaginative person.

I just have trouble expressing it.

If you ask me to draw or paint something I was thinking, it'd look something a kindergarten kid would do, & do better, mind you!

I think writing is one of the best mediums for me, however.

Well, that's over & done with.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

i've been thinkin', but who hasn't?

Lately I've been deep in thought
about many things.
Things that are bothering me;
things, things, things...

I still miss home.

I saw my friend's new picture the other day.
It was taken in one of my old haunts,
& I wanted so badly to be there,
(to be in any place, to bask in its familiarity & comfort i got from knowing that,
this is my world; here, i can be what i want to be, who i want to be)
to sit around, talk & chat, share some jokes;
watch people pass by, minding their own business;
take in the intoxicating aroma of ground coffee, sip some beer,
it's bittersweet-ness, refreshing.

My adopted town, Dumaguete, comes to mind
ever too often & memories of days gone by play back in my head;
a montage of images & video clips lovingly stored in some crevice of my brain.

The consolation is i'm coming back.
So there's lots to look forward to & every day is a step closer so there's no use sulking.
Besides, if life were predictable, it wouldn't be much, would it?
We'd be doing the same things over & over, day in-day out,
till our backs fucking break from all the machine like, 'black-&-white' insanity of it all.

I'm sorry, I can't be, perfect

I told you!!! Man Utd won. 'Nuff said.

Anyways, I've lost all track of time & space & everything else is just a shady blur. Remember me talking about not sleeping right? I think I'm sleeping too much this time. Not that I'm complaining or anything. Just stating a fact, that's all.

What's on my mind right now? Nothing much really; Not much to write down, but my thoughts are a jumble of twisted images of fantasies I'd much like to experience & indulge in, but will never share to any living soul. Not yet anyway. I think I'm gonna make a blog that specializes in just that. Hmm... Jon's sicko twisted sci-fi fantasy tales of the perverted mind... Anybody seen Heavy Metal magazine? Something like that.

Moving on, I'm loathe to criticize or bad mouth people, but I need to clear some bad air.

I'll be the first to say that no one in this world is born perfect & that everybody is different & unique in every way; This makes some people act differently & be seen as strange & sometimes unacceptable to others.

I don't know, but I can relate to people who want to be different & do things unconventionally. I'm kinda enlightened that way... (hehe, self promoting, but it's true!)

If I was a narrow-minded prick, I wouldn't bother, but I'm not; Something I'm grateful for. If I am though, please let me know & I'll gladly apologize & congratulate you for being honest & at the same time, learn more about myself.

Many people, including myself sometimes, just love to talk about others shortcomings & faults & are blind to our own imperfections.

Human nature, yeah, sometimes I wish we'd all see the bigger picture, but you just can't change the perceptions & thoughts of others. They have as much right to oppose what you & I think as we do them.

So what does one do?

How does an individual act out his life?

Does he/she live out his /her life for for the scrutiny of ignorant, shallow hypocrites who barely even know themselves?

The answers are many, but for me, I don't want to be like everybody else.

I hate how society dictates how one is 'supposed' to behave & act.

I think one should behave as he/she wishes, as long as he does no harm to others.

All I'm saying is, people, take a look in the mirror.

Don't look out the window till you've seen every wrinkle, any blemish, any sign of perfection;

Don't you look out that window & start judging the imperfections of others till you've taken a long hard look at your own.

Wednesday

I'm getting nearer & nearer to my target.
I've been running around my neighborhood for a bit & the last time I did, I stopped a few traffic lights from my block.
Today I went for a jog & I stopped one traffic light away from home.
hehe...
In a few days I'm gonna be able to jog nonstop along the route I usually take & then, I'm gonna go jog somewhere else. This week I'm all for slacking & focusing back on getting ready for my freakin' NAPFA test which should've been done & over with a long, long time ago.
As I'm typing this, Manchester United is gonna kick "Arse-Anal's" ass in about 3 hours time. Don't get me wrong, Arsenal's got a good squad with great players like Dennis Bergkamp & rising stars like Fabregas & Flamini but hey, United all the way.

Go United!!!