heavier than heaven

was LPS for a few days.

it was fun, though i suck at giving commands...

i've found some purpose in my meagre existence, albeit on a short term basis.
I bought a few cd's: Rage Against The Machine's last concert, The Cure's Greatest Hits, Ill Nino's Revolution/Revolucion & a biography on Kurt Cobain.
For ten bucks, it was a steal, despite listening to Nirvana since I was 13, i knew nothing at all about cobain's life & what really made him blow his head off at the peak of an already successful career...

i'm thinking, i understand why he did what he did, i've been through similar shit but not to the point of going all suicidal despite having morbid thoughts every now & then.

jackshit

got my phone back, finally.
a lot can happen in a month.
I've lost contact with many of my friends & I've got to rekindle what's left of the flame before it burns out completely.
the past few days in camp were predictable.

Not that there wasn't a moment of fun, but things have been dark & dreary lately.
Emo to the core man...
I was a wreck.
Still am.
Can't explain why, but I'll try.

Life's been nothing but one disappointment after another.
My frustrations have been snowballing since I can't remember when...
I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore, you know, fuck it, I'll get through this sorry predicament, somehow.
I've turned my back on a lot of things, many of which were once dear to me, now, just a blurry image, some fleeting memory, fading away into some dark corner in my head; probably to stay there for awhile.

Yeah, it's all about me for now.
Selfish bastard.
I know.
I cannot stand it.
It's a fucking double edged sword.

I wanna move on into this bigger realm, but I'm tethered, bound, whatever you wanna call it, by the hand that feeds.
I'm choking on the very air that i breathe.
It sounds vague...
Every time I have it in my grasp, it slips away.
life... It's a motherfucker.
It's a wonder why people aren't going suicidal on a massive level.
what with all the pressures of the "real world" eating away at what life we have left.
I can't yet, I just signed up for insurance & I don't think I'll get a lot if I do right now...
maybe later huh?
At least I'll make the papers.
morbid jokes aside, I really really don't know...
It just hasn't been happening for me lately.
Maybe it's the abrupt change...
I know I'm unhappy, I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm a lot of things.

Dammit, it's pathetic ain't it?
Watching me bleed my brains out.
shallow maybe, but fuck it.
This is how i'm feeling right now.
I've been saying 'I' for quite a bit.
Anybody noticed?
It always boils down to this,
it always has.
What can I do about it?
Nothing.

I'm fighting a losing battle here.
I haven't even gotten to my point.
What is it?
I hate what I'm going through right now.
I hate army life.
I'm no square.
Don't wanna be one, never will.
I hate not being back at school.
Not that I wanna study & get all A's & shit...
I couldn't care less.

I just despise what's become of my life.
I hate feeling like this, moping & sulking like a little boy who wants his mom to get him that really cool toy that every kid at school has & she doesn't, & is making a ruckus & everyone's staring wide eyed at this thing, face full of tears, snotty, the shit running down his nose, whining, screaming his head off like his life depended on it ...
I hate my life being confined to a weekend out in the world & then its back to 6 days of shit.
Melancholy & the infinite sadness indeed.
Soundtrack of my life right now.
for 2 years at the most, unless things get better somehow.

Mushrooms & vodka please.
That's all I need.
Really...

that's what we all want in the end isn't it?
Some form of escape.
I mean, if the world has only so much to offer, why the fuck not?
*sigh

dingdong

sleepy, tired...
my aching body, beat up from bashing aimlessly in the jungle for 2 days.
The fact that i reached home at 7 this morning, lethargic & sleep deprived, it's a wonder i'm still here.
Next week promises more or less the same.
My life is no different from the next guy.
It's just the things we do & exprience that are.
In the end, we are one & the same.

I finally have my phone back.
My link to the outside world has been reconnected.
Hooray.
Hanged out with Jamal & some of his friends last night.
Before that I watched Fantastic 4.
Not as Fantastic as it's supposed to be.
Everyone looks cool except for Reed Richards & Dr. Doom...
Not that i expcted anything spectatcualr, but as a while, the movie was ok...
Hmm, did someboday say sequel?
It looks imminent folks.
Jessica Alba, see you in part 2... i love u... hahaha!!!

Slept the whole morning away.
Met Jamal after the movie.
We bumped into Sheikh as well.
He was meeting his friends too.
Had some vodka & a good talk cock session.
I miss my friend's in Viper.
Jamal does too.

After that had some prata in Clementi & that was my weekend.
Next week i'm staying in...
I hope.

The cash cow's come calling & i hope i dont milk it dry too soon this time...
I miss my friends,
i miss my life back in SU & everyday brings me closer.

eternal sigh

I think the Z-monster's getting to me.
It's either lectures or some outfield shit, which i'm not particularly good at.
I haven't felt so down since BMT...

We booked out a day earlier than the other companies but it doesn't make much difference;
I'm still going back on Sunday.

Played soccer with my bros & my Delta section mates this morning.
It was good fun, though it could've been better.

Fucking SOC...
We had 2 sessions in 2 days,
& I thought I'd left all that in BMT.

I feel dumber than i usually am.
Is this some side effect, a result of the past 3 months,
or some undiscovered fluke in the evolutionary process inherent only in certain lifeforms, an anomaly in the great one's design?
i don't know, i just feel different. different than usual.

by the way, Incubus' new single 'make a move' is on the Stealth OST..
They wrote 3 songs specially for the album..
Hope they're good...
I know 'make a move' is.
Incubus is back to their Make Yourself sound, classic...

home...
Music therapy, baby.
No offense to my section-mates but sometimes too much pop is just too much pop.

what more to say about this existential carousel that is my life?

GMA's in the fray of another scandal.
Political soap operas, tune in to any local channel, news hour.
More things to bitch about life in the Pinas...
The Philippines;
Love it or hate, it's still home to me, in spite of everything that gives it a bad name.
the brown man walks on...

Anybody seen Trainspotting?
Fucking cool movie.
Reminds me of my friends & the shit we did.
Miss those times...