got my phone back, finally.
a lot can happen in a month.
I've lost contact with many of my friends & I've got to rekindle what's left of the flame before it burns out completely.
the past few days in camp were predictable.
Not that there wasn't a moment of fun, but things have been dark & dreary lately.
Emo to the core man...
I was a wreck.
Still am.
Can't explain why, but I'll try.
Life's been nothing but one disappointment after another.
My frustrations have been snowballing since I can't remember when...
I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore, you know, fuck it, I'll get through this sorry predicament, somehow.
I've turned my back on a lot of things, many of which were once dear to me, now, just a blurry image, some fleeting memory, fading away into some dark corner in my head; probably to stay there for awhile.
Yeah, it's all about me for now.
Selfish bastard.
I know.
I cannot stand it.
It's a fucking double edged sword.
I wanna move on into this bigger realm, but I'm tethered, bound, whatever you wanna call it, by the hand that feeds.
I'm choking on the very air that i breathe.
It sounds vague...
Every time I have it in my grasp, it slips away.
life... It's a motherfucker.
It's a wonder why people aren't going suicidal on a massive level.
what with all the pressures of the "real world" eating away at what life we have left.
I can't yet, I just signed up for insurance & I don't think I'll get a lot if I do right now...
maybe later huh?
At least I'll make the papers.
morbid jokes aside, I really really don't know...
It just hasn't been happening for me lately.
Maybe it's the abrupt change...
I know I'm unhappy, I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm a lot of things.
Dammit, it's pathetic ain't it?
Watching me bleed my brains out.
shallow maybe, but fuck it.
This is how i'm feeling right now.
I've been saying 'I' for quite a bit.
Anybody noticed?
It always boils down to this,
it always has.
What can I do about it?
Nothing.
I'm fighting a losing battle here.
I haven't even gotten to my point.
What is it?
I hate what I'm going through right now.
I hate army life.
I'm no square.
Don't wanna be one, never will.
I hate not being back at school.
Not that I wanna study & get all A's & shit...
I couldn't care less.
I just despise what's become of my life.
I hate feeling like this, moping & sulking like a little boy who wants his mom to get him that really cool toy that every kid at school has & she doesn't, & is making a ruckus & everyone's staring wide eyed at this thing, face full of tears, snotty, the shit running down his nose, whining, screaming his head off like his life depended on it ...
I hate my life being confined to a weekend out in the world & then its back to 6 days of shit.
Melancholy & the infinite sadness indeed.
Soundtrack of my life right now.
for 2 years at the most, unless things get better somehow.
Mushrooms & vodka please.
That's all I need.
Really...
that's what we all want in the end isn't it?
Some form of escape.
I mean, if the world has only so much to offer, why the fuck not?
*sigh
a lot can happen in a month.
I've lost contact with many of my friends & I've got to rekindle what's left of the flame before it burns out completely.
the past few days in camp were predictable.
Not that there wasn't a moment of fun, but things have been dark & dreary lately.
Emo to the core man...
I was a wreck.
Still am.
Can't explain why, but I'll try.
Life's been nothing but one disappointment after another.
My frustrations have been snowballing since I can't remember when...
I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore, you know, fuck it, I'll get through this sorry predicament, somehow.
I've turned my back on a lot of things, many of which were once dear to me, now, just a blurry image, some fleeting memory, fading away into some dark corner in my head; probably to stay there for awhile.
Yeah, it's all about me for now.
Selfish bastard.
I know.
I cannot stand it.
It's a fucking double edged sword.
I wanna move on into this bigger realm, but I'm tethered, bound, whatever you wanna call it, by the hand that feeds.
I'm choking on the very air that i breathe.
It sounds vague...
Every time I have it in my grasp, it slips away.
life... It's a motherfucker.
It's a wonder why people aren't going suicidal on a massive level.
what with all the pressures of the "real world" eating away at what life we have left.
I can't yet, I just signed up for insurance & I don't think I'll get a lot if I do right now...
maybe later huh?
At least I'll make the papers.
morbid jokes aside, I really really don't know...
It just hasn't been happening for me lately.
Maybe it's the abrupt change...
I know I'm unhappy, I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm a lot of things.
Dammit, it's pathetic ain't it?
Watching me bleed my brains out.
shallow maybe, but fuck it.
This is how i'm feeling right now.
I've been saying 'I' for quite a bit.
Anybody noticed?
It always boils down to this,
it always has.
What can I do about it?
Nothing.
I'm fighting a losing battle here.
I haven't even gotten to my point.
What is it?
I hate what I'm going through right now.
I hate army life.
I'm no square.
Don't wanna be one, never will.
I hate not being back at school.
Not that I wanna study & get all A's & shit...
I couldn't care less.
I just despise what's become of my life.
I hate feeling like this, moping & sulking like a little boy who wants his mom to get him that really cool toy that every kid at school has & she doesn't, & is making a ruckus & everyone's staring wide eyed at this thing, face full of tears, snotty, the shit running down his nose, whining, screaming his head off like his life depended on it ...
I hate my life being confined to a weekend out in the world & then its back to 6 days of shit.
Melancholy & the infinite sadness indeed.
Soundtrack of my life right now.
for 2 years at the most, unless things get better somehow.
Mushrooms & vodka please.
That's all I need.
Really...
that's what we all want in the end isn't it?
Some form of escape.
I mean, if the world has only so much to offer, why the fuck not?
*sigh
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