a cause for concern

I hate myself and I wanna die.

Kurt Cobain initially wanted to name Nirvana's last album that.

That phrase pretty much sums up everything right now.
Not that I'm thinking dark thoughts of razor blades
syringes, excessively fatal amounts of happy-inducing
narcotics and shit like that,
(a welcome notion, if only the consequences weren't
such a drag)
it's just this huge weight of frustration and nonsensical
fucky skedoodads and everything else you could sandwhich
between two slices of monkey poop bread and dressed with a
ridiculously generous dollop of fuck-you sauce is a bane.
yummy.

fourtnight

Valentines...
came, went, gone.
not bitter, no not  bitter at all..
trivial, these things.
More pressing matters need to be addressed,
though one would welcome a state of playful undress.
not alone, no definitely not.

weeks pass,
my hair is as shabby as I feel,
and I feel... empty.

I'll welcome the mundane formalities of blue collar-ness existence
over sticking it out putting my ass on a plate and deal with people.

I'm on my way.
You might not be there in the end.
I wish and hope you could.

mondaze

So I'm on my search still to get employed
and reduce a little of my deficit and put some
crumbs on my dads table. I owe him more than that;
way fucking more.
he's been picking up after my mess that's been going on for oh so long now.
I'm happy I've updated my CV after putting it off for eons.

Life's a funky mess, and the little streaks of light poking out at the
seams are encouraging and somewhat uplifting.
Lots more to be done and to achieve, and plenty of little stones
to clear away, before I walk upright, head held up high.
maybe not alone as I'm used to, who knows.
Fingers crossed, bite my tongue, pray, and hope and wish
things go the way the stars align, and would allow.
Whatever comes my way, I'l take it especially if I bring it upon myself.
I've promised myself I'd do things different.
Yeah, you've all heard that before, and still, more often than not,
I end up bathing in my own shit.

It's not gonna be like that, and things better pick up,
it's a challenge to get up, dust yourself off, and do something worthwhile
after sitting around doing nothing for God knows, it's been so effing long.

She gives me hope.
There's not a time I don't stop and think that somewhere out there
someone is quietly rooting for me.
Her especially.
I think of nothing but good, pleasantly awesome times.
Probable, maybe, iffy, we'll see in the end.

face line

a knack for smiles
keeps me ticking...
miles;

ding ding di di ding ding ding

On display,
you can read what I say;
the surface is thin,
outside looking in;
can you see what's within?
I can't.

train of thought

Headsplitting short term memory's
back to stay.
Or at least it's goin' away.
Tomorrow.
Booze laced headtrip,
stop and take a sip,
off the tip,
of the bottle,
let it drip,
let it rip,
a new hole in my now empty
pocket,
busted gut,
So I can forget,
discard,
imaginary pictures
of you
and me
and us
and plus,
recall, events
and things
and faces and places and names;
minute details.
I can't,
it's all hazy
like the weather.
I'm a feather,
free, light, lost.